Friday, February 18, 2011

One Month Ago Today

One month ago today Bill and I were in a hospital room in West Jordan, Utah.  One month ago today, we did not for sure if you would be ours.  We prayed and hoped and planned, but we did not know.  Any adoptive mom can tell you the agony of caring for a baby who is not quite yours.  You change and feed and hug and kiss and worry and pray like he is your own.  Never letting on he is not- just in case he can somehow sense it.  And you don't want to look back and say, "wow- the day you were born was the worst day of my life".  No- you bond like crazy, you call him by name, you call and text and spread the news, you are fiercely protective during the "heel prick".  And then, in the quiet, when he is sleeping and so is your husband, you silently cry.  You cannot keep the tears from flowing down your face as you look at this perfect tiny creation.  Partly because you cannot believe he is yours and partly because you know there is a real possibility he will not be.  You cry because no matter how long you have prayed for this day, nothing can prepare you for this.  No amount of reading and counseling and adoption education can prepare you for this reality.  How do you love so completely and be sure to not get too attached?  In that moment, that tear soaked, desperate moment you decide.  You decide to love that baby for now.  Just right now.  Maybe it won't be for much longer and maybe it will be a lifetime.  But all you have is now.  So you decide to love now.   God has turned that "right now" into a month filled with "right nows".  Now I sit with you on my shoulder. So tiny, that if I lean back a little in my chair, I don't even need hands to hold you!!  Crazy right?!  One short month ago, we had no idea how you would change how we saw our family.  But you have.  It has only been a month and we cannot remember our lives without you.  Lord- thank you for taking our "right now" and giving us more.  May we never forget to live as thought right now is all that matters.

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