This makes it all worthwhile...

The waiting, the worry, the cost, the worry, the paperwork, the worry, ALL OF IT!  You know that feeling you get when you know you did the right thing?  You know you acted in God's will and a feeling of peace washes over you?  Something happens that takes away all doubt or anxiety?  I have felt like that several times since we brought Benjamin home.  This is the first time I was able to catch one of these instances on video.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Paternity?

If you have been following our adoption, or any adoption for that matter, you know that there are SEVERAL hoops to jump through before finalization.  Andrew and Annabelle were home for almost a year when we had their finalization hearing.  With Benjamin, we have to have 2 post placement visits done (we have finished one), have paternity published, and have our Utah agency (A Guardian Angel Adoptions LLC) recommend us as the forever family for Benjamin.  Then we can move forward with finalizing Benjamin's adoption.  Just to be clear, all of these steps are considered a "formality" and yet- they are all super important.  Our latest victory (thank you Lord), comes in the form if a finalized "paternity search".  In the state where Benjamin was conceived, we had to have his birth mom's name and likely date of conception published in a legal journal and wait.  We waited for someone to step forward and claim paternity.  In the state of UT (where Benjamin was born, different from where he was conceived), a father cannot claim paternity unless they have supported birth mom throughout the pregnancy, financially and emotionally.  So even if someone came forward claiming to be Benjamin's father, we would probably be okay.  Our agency explained that the likely hood of this happening was slim to none.  We still waited on pins and needles for the time period to come and go, and the lawyer to let us know the results.  The e-mail came in Tuesday.  There were no claims of paternity.
Of course we were overjoyed!  One more step towards finalization and really, one more smooth step in a big line of smooth steps to bringing Benjamin into our forever family.  But when I took a breath and quit crying with relief, I started crying all over again.  I was crying for Benjamin.  I was crying because he will  never know who his biological father is.  I was crying because no one claimed him.  I was listening to his sweet voice "talking" to me from his Bumbo and I was crying that someone out there, who should, will never hear the sound of his voice.  I NEVER in a million years expected to feel this way towards Benjamin's birth father.  I wanted to say, "your loss idiot" and be done with it.  But God has softened my heart towards him.  It the past countless days I was praying that this nameless man would continue to be nameless and we could move on with our adoption. Along the way, God gave me a heart of tenderness.  A heart of tenderness towards this man who will never know his biological son and a REAL heart of tenderness to my tiny boy.  God is preparing me even now, for when the hard questions start to be asked.

Thank you Lord for the favorable outcome you have given us in Benjamin's paternity search.  But thank you even more, for softening my heart so that one day, if our son asks, we can tell him honestly how we feel about his birth father.

Benjamin- We are SO thankful that we are one step closer to making you ours!

I will continue blogging about adoption...

So many of you already know, adoption can be a long drawn out process.  Benjamin came home so quickly, but we still have some waiting until finalization.  There is no risk of is losing Benjamin as long as we take good care of him:) But we have to adhere to the adoption laws in Utah and that law state we cannot legally adopt him for 6 months.  So for now, we schedule post placements and send updates and are at the mercy of others when it comes to our son.  I am not complaining...  Adoption is a miracle- a true miracle!  Trust me, we have done it three times.  And part of me is really glad we get to readopt here.  It was so fun with Andrew and Annabelle and we intend to have the same big party on Benjamin's big day.  What??!!  A party?  Aren't you shocked?!  HA!  And part of me is glad he isn't truly our (on paper) yet because it makes me so much more grateful for the process and so thankful for Benjamin's birth mom.  But just part of me, a tiny little part sometimes, just sometimes, just wants it to all be over.  That little part that doesn't want to pay for birth father rights to be severed.  I don't want to have more post placements so someone else can prove we are doing a good job keeping him healthy.  I just want to raise my son and have it be nobody else's business.  I just want to focus on our new family of five.  Then I am reminded that we are all adopted by our heavenly father.  And I am so glad there isn't a tiny bit of his heart that didn't want to sacrifice for me.  Glad that He never grumbled about all that He did to make me His child.
So I will continue to write here in this adoption blog until we have finalized our adoption process with Benjamin (and probably longer).  Thank you for continuing to travel on this journey with us.

PS- Here is a pic of Benjamin at 2 months old.

Dear Birth Mom-

Five years ago today you gave birth to the most incredible little girl.  You chose the perfect spot to lay her on the side of the road.  Close to foot traffic but not too close to the road.  You carved out a little hole for her to lay.  I feel like you must have waited to see if someone would find her.  Someone did.  A policeman, he named her Hamelmal, which means beautiful reed because she was so beautiful and so slight.  Her next few months were a little precarious as she was allergic to the formula she was eating and didn't gain any weight.  I am sure those same months were precarious for you too.  Grieving a loss you had to pretend never happened.  Choosing this for your daughter to keep the rest of your family safe.  I cannot imagine what was racing through your mind as you took one last look at your precious girl.  Did you think about her future, or just her immeidate safety?  Did you have the horrible thoughts of what would happen to you if you were caught?  I wounder what you think about today on the anniversary of her birth.  We pray for you each night.  We pray that you would see your decision as good and your heart would be peaceful.  We pray tat somehow you would know that tiny baby girl is not in an orphanage, halfway to "aging out of the system".  She is living with a family.  With parents who love her more deeply than they thought possible. She has the sweetest Ethiopian brother her same age and a younger adopted brother too.  She is so smart and funny and knock yourr socks off beautiful. She knows they story of how she came to be a part of our family and even though we dont know your name or anything about you you are part of the story.  Thank you for choosing to give this amazing little girl a story.  Thank you for putting her life above your wants and grief.  Words cannot express how thankful we are for the blessing you gave us 5 years ago today.
Love,
Annabelle's family

Dear Birth Mom-

Five years ago today, you gave birth to the most amazing little boy.  He must have looked so tiny at only 7 or 8 pounds. We don't know what name you gave him, we don't even know if you saw him or not.  You made the ultimate sacrifice for him.  You laid a piece of your heart in a safe place where someone would find him and take him to the orphanage.  We do not know your name, or where you live or if you are still living or not.  We do know you did a very brave thing- unmentionable to most here in the US.  Here, we have choices, adoption, government assistance programs.  The list never ends.  Our government is trying to ensure a mom never has to make the choice you made 5 years ago today.  We know, after learning about Ethiopia and seeing it first hand that you were out of options.  You were probably starving yourself and leaving your child to be cared for at the orphange was the best decision you could have made.  We cannot imagine how you were able to muster the strength just a few minutes after you delivered him.  The strength and courage to say goodbye forever.  You probably thought, "At least he will be able to eat and go to school, so much more than I could give him".  Your choice was amazing, and so is your son.  He did not end up in an orphanage, he is being raised by a family who loves him so completely, so totally.  He loves to run and his favorite foods are chicken and blueberries.  He is so smart and totally healthy and a miracle and a blessing. We cannot imagine our lives without him.  We pray for you every night.  We pray that you would have a peace about the decision you made 5 years ago today.  That somehow you know that the Lord has some outragous things planned for your son.  Thank you for making the most unbelieveable sacrifice so that we could become a family. 
Love,
Andrew's Family

One Month Ago Today

One month ago today Bill and I were in a hospital room in West Jordan, Utah.  One month ago today, we did not for sure if you would be ours.  We prayed and hoped and planned, but we did not know.  Any adoptive mom can tell you the agony of caring for a baby who is not quite yours.  You change and feed and hug and kiss and worry and pray like he is your own.  Never letting on he is not- just in case he can somehow sense it.  And you don't want to look back and say, "wow- the day you were born was the worst day of my life".  No- you bond like crazy, you call him by name, you call and text and spread the news, you are fiercely protective during the "heel prick".  And then, in the quiet, when he is sleeping and so is your husband, you silently cry.  You cannot keep the tears from flowing down your face as you look at this perfect tiny creation.  Partly because you cannot believe he is yours and partly because you know there is a real possibility he will not be.  You cry because no matter how long you have prayed for this day, nothing can prepare you for this.  No amount of reading and counseling and adoption education can prepare you for this reality.  How do you love so completely and be sure to not get too attached?  In that moment, that tear soaked, desperate moment you decide.  You decide to love that baby for now.  Just right now.  Maybe it won't be for much longer and maybe it will be a lifetime.  But all you have is now.  So you decide to love now.   God has turned that "right now" into a month filled with "right nows".  Now I sit with you on my shoulder. So tiny, that if I lean back a little in my chair, I don't even need hands to hold you!!  Crazy right?!  One short month ago, we had no idea how you would change how we saw our family.  But you have.  It has only been a month and we cannot remember our lives without you.  Lord- thank you for taking our "right now" and giving us more.  May we never forget to live as thought right now is all that matters.

So here are the details

I won't be posting a ton of pics just yet, as we haven't done this before and want to figure out how much of Benjamin's story we want kept private and how much we want to be public (as for public, I mean all 7 of you who read this blog).    But here is the story of how Benjamin Jer William came into this world!
10:00am-Agency calls, birthmom is being rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.  She is bleeding heavily.  They will call us when they know more.
10:01am- Andrew, Annabelle and I got on our knees and prayed for our baby and his birth mom.
10:05am-Called Bill and EVERYONE we could get a hold of to ask them to pray.
10:30am-Agency called and said birth mom is fine, baby is fine but birth mom is dialated to 6 cm and we need to get on a plane
10:31am-Gather Andrew and Annabelle and praise God for keeping our baby and his birth mom safe.
10:32am- Bill leaves work (1 hour from our house).  Incidentally, he carpooled to work, so him leaving required his carpool buddy to bring him home-Thanks Angie!
10:33am-Called my mom and promptly bawled my eyes out with relief, worry, excitement, terror...
10:35am- Call Emily, whose parents had offered to give us vouchers for air fair (13 hours earlier).  I polietly told them we didn't think we would need them, unless birthmom went early.  So we now needed them.
11:00am- Mr. and Mrs. Ellis (Emma's parents) booked us on the 2:00 flight to Salt Lake City.  Aunt Frankie comes over to get the kids calmed down and to school.
11:30am- Toyota guy shows up to work on the rental we have while the van is getting fixed (perfect timing right)
11:45am- Toyota guy finishes and Aunt Frankie takes the kids to school (talk about a teary goodbye).  I kept thinking of the "last time of a family of four"...
12:30pm- Suit cases are packed and all tied with matching baby blue ribbon
12:31pm- We realize we have thought of everything except how we were going to get to the airport...
12:32pm- Carmen (our neighbor) to the rescue
1:00pm- Arrive at the airport for our 2:00 flight
1:36pm- Benjamin Jer William Sanborn makes his debut (unbeknownst to us)
4:40pm- Land in Utah and make the LONGEST 15 minute drive in history to the hospital
5:15pm- Meet our sweet baby Benjamin for the first time


First time we saw him




AHHH!!!!  That's our baby!!!!



I know, no one is surprised by the hysterics!!

Much more composed Daddy!

So that is how it all went down.  We will post more later about how the details all worked out and God orchestrated a miracle!