When we were still in Phoenix, Benjamin was learning how to go to bed in a toddler bed instead of his crib. One of the things that soothed him was listening to music while I rocked him. He's the baby. Of course I did it! We listened to "Praise Baby" worship songs every night. One of the songs on that CD was a song with lyrics that say, "Where you go I'll go, where you stay, I'll stay, when you move, I'll move, I will follow you". Every time I heard that song, I cried. A lot of times it was the ugly kind of cry. It was the thought of moving so far away. It was Bill being so far away from us for so long. It was holding what could be our last baby. It was the thought of all 3 of our babies not growing up within 30 minutes from so many people who loved them (seriously, it's like more than 30 people). If I am really honest, it was letting go of what I had envisioned of my life and surrendering that to God. Isn't His plan better anyway? Of course it is, but not always easy.
Today at MOPS, we talked about loss and it really hit a chord with me for a lot of reasons. I couldn't even talk about the loss of my dad because it was too hard with so many people who don't know me. People who don't know my heart. That loss was too heavy to talk openly about today. On the way home I cried as I thought of the loss of what we had in Arizona. Perceived security, family surrounding us at all times, friendships so treasured, sweet neighbors who knew our story. The loss seemed too much. Most of the day I oscillated between tears and just plain sadness.
Then at bedtime, I heard the song. "Where you go, I'll go..."
This time, it was not me singing, but Benjamin, Andrew and Annabelle singing from their beds. Singing God's truth about following His plan, not ours. I cannot explain the peace that washed over me as I heard those sweet voices singing about God's truth.
All of the loss, imagined or real is totally worth it if we can trust Him more. If we can teach our children to trust Him more. We are not great at the obedience with grace by any means, but we are trying. As a family we are singing, "Where you go, We'll go..."